Cold hands, warm shart.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?