Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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