The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
