i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
