i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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