Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
