T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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