I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
