I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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