I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have feelings that need drinking.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
