I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
