I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
