I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she peed on how many people?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
