I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
