Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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