I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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