Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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