Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
