I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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