I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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