Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
