That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
