I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm just crazy horny about you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
