my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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