Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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