Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
