So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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