Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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