id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
