I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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