Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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