I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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