when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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