rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.