idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
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sarcasm needs its own font
two words: eviction party
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
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After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.