i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
