So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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