were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
