I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
