so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
