ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
