I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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