i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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