Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.