You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
