she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
