My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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