Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
