Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
