there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
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He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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