I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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