Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
