I hate your face
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
