The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
