I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
