It was confusing and full of hummus
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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