Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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