fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
