remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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